Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
