i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
