just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
