Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
