dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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