If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
