I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
