My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
