Sorry, I don't speak sober.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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