Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
