Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
