Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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