when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
