between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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