It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
