I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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