its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
