my phone needs a breathalizer
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
