Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
