I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
