mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
