I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
