i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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