Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
