Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
not ubering you a puppy
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
