I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
