We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
