2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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