Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
