The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
