she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
handjob tips. give me some.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
