I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
