Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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