i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Terrible idea I love it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
