I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
