I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
