He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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