I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
