My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
