I wanna passion pit in your ass
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
