i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
