Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
