Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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