I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
