Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
