Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
