You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
