I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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