dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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