We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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