My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
