I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
